Beati Paoli Winter Tour 2009!

Tomorrow begins BP’s short but (hopefully) memorable jaunt down south, then up north east, and then back west to Des Moines, aka “Beati Paoli Winter Tour 2009!” Original, I know.  Here is all the info you’ll need!

Fri. – Jan 30th –  Omaha, NE : Barley St Tavern w/ Adam Robert Haug, It’s True, Oui Bandits, and Spring Acres

Sat. – Jan 31st – Wichita, KS: Vertical Violet w/ polarOPPOSITEbear, Androids of Ex Lovers, and Toy Sails

Sun.- Feb 1st – Dallas, TX: The Lounge on Elm St w/ The Hot Tickets 8pm

Mon.-Feb 2nd –  Hopefully not freezing to death somehwhere between Dallas and Springfield.

Tues.- Feb 3rd – Springfield, MO: The Outland

Wed. – Feb 4th – St Louis, MO: The Way Out w/ Sine Nomine, and Tok  9:30pm

Thurs. – Feb 5th – Indianaoplis, IN: Melody Inn w/ Trinity James and Big Bad, and People vs. Radio 8pm

Fri. – Feb 6th – Lexington, KY: C.P.R. w/ Ocelots, The Yes People, Drive Far Fast, Kraken Fury, 7pm

Sat. – Feb 7th – Bloomington, IN: The Clinic w/ Waxeater, IfIHadAHifi, Found Objects, Year of the Scavenger, 9pm FREE!

Sun. – Feb 8th – Iowa City, IA: PS ONE w/info still to comez….

This tour is going to be grand. Hitting up some old favorites, as well as some new places. Expect (maybe) daily updates from the road.  And this time, our roadie will be everyone’s favorite youtuber and TNM blogger, Tony!

See you in the funny pages

-TNM

thenoisingmachine

Bacon Explosion, etc.

The New York Times posted an article about the recipe for Bacon Explosion, which has 5,000 calories and 500 grams of fat.  See above.

Since I’ve mentioned one ridiculous food, I might as well mention Doner Kebabs, which have disgusting amounts of fat, saturated fat and salt.  Also, according to the BBC article, 33% of doner kebabs are mismarked for the type of meat they contain.

– ninjagarden

Austria Vs. Japan: “The Cannibal Of Japan”

i think this fits in the series?! probably a little more appropriate than the halloween costume edition…

have you heard of Issei Sagawa? he’s the “godfather of cannibals”. if you don’t know him by that title, you might know him as THAT GUY WHO KILLED AND ATE A WOMAN IN FRANCE, ADMITED TO IT, AND NEVER WENT TO JAIL!

in 1981, while attending the sorbonne academy, sagawa killed a fellow college student by inviting her over to his apartment and shooting her in the back of the neck. the obvious next step was to eat her butt.

” Suddenly a lot of sallow fat oozes from the wound. It reminds me of Indian corn. It continues to ooze. It is strange. Finally I find the red meat under the sallow fat. I scoop it out and put it in my mouth. I chew. It has no smell and no taste. It melts in my mouth like a perfect piece of tuna. I look in her eyes and say: ‘You are delicious.’ “

after eating some raw butt, he got out the old electric carving knife and sampled quite a few other parts of her body as well, trying a handful of cooking techniques. now, for most of us, becoming a cannibal would probably be good enough, right? well, not for issei… he decided this night was a good time to also become a necrophile. but don’t worry! issei isn’t just about fucking, mutilating, and eating humans, he also has a sensitive side – when he got tired, he brought the mangled corpse to his bed and lovingly slept along side it.

the next morning, he got up and decided to continue his feast. he would keep removing and preparing parts of her body until the flies buzzing around it became too much for him. when this happened, he began chopping her up into a bunch of little pieces that he would fit into his suitcase. this is the point where you would think the story would start to fall in line with other “chopping people up and putting them in containers” tales, but no, this one is special because most of those other stories don’t include a section where the killer gets aroused by his dismembment and uses a severed hand to masturbate. WOW!!

he fit all of the remains, minus some select pieces that he stored in his fridge, into a suitcase, got in a taxi, and went to a park to dispose of them. when some people saw him having issues with the suitcase, he panicked and ran off. human body parts were seen protruding from the suitcase, and the cops were called. a couple days later, sagawa was arrested and found to be TOO FUCKING CRAZY. he was put in an institution for a couple years, eventually being deported back to japan, where he spent aproximately one and a half more years in an asylum. then he was released. but don’t worry! this isn’t one of those cases where the disgusting murderer ends up living the rest of his days in squalor, shunned by society. no sir! issei is a regular damn celebrity; appearing on tv programs, writing restaurant reviews, and starring in softcore porn. he’s currently living in an apartment in tokyo, but has a passport to germany. THIS IS GOOD!?

oh yeah. and he’s a painter:

MORE INFO: 1. 2. 3.

you can find a documentary from 1993 on youtube right here. (i haven’t watched it yet, so i dunno if it’s worth it)

here’s a short piece about/staring sagawa:

and

here’s the video for “too much blood” by the rolling stones. the song was inspired by sagawa:

scott

related posts:

• Austria Vs Japan: 女子高生コンクリート詰め殺人事件
• Austria Vs. Japan: Odds and Ends
• Austria Vs. Japan: The Reinhard Steinbauer Case
• Austria Vs. Japan: Halloween Costume Edition

Laconic Oration

natalie and i have started a tumblr account. we call it Laconic Oration. it’s basically an addendum to this blog. it will be full of images with the occasional audio or video. text accompaniment will be sparse, and updates will be frequent.

much like the noising machine blog, it has no focus, but is comprised of the beautiful things we have found while adventuring through the online. if you like this blog, but HATE reading, check out Laconic Oration. if you like this blog, but could use a few more posts a day, add Laconic Oration to your rss reader.

HEY! do NOT worry. Laconic Oration will not take away from our input on this lovely old blog. it may even help to bring more updates to the site!

and just so you can get an idea of what you’ll find at Laconic Oration, here are some of the recent posts:

scott

related posts:

• love this
• CANON SONIQUE: a mixtape (15)
• let’s bring this back
• The Snuggie Blanket

Apparently Andy Murray is a homosexual…and likes tennis.

Taken from tennis player Andy Murray‘s wikipedia entry about five minutes ago:

At a young age he was pinned down by a group of homesexuals and brutally raped, one of the men attempted to insert a tennis racket in his anus. So suggest this his were he found his love for tennis and his homesexual tendensies.

After reading through those lines twice and copying what I  pasted above, I reloaded the webpage.  Magically, they disappeared.
This of course lead me to read up on vandalism on Wikipedia and I found another amusing bit, as reported by columnist Sujay Kumar :

While Wikipedia says that most vandal edits are removed within five minutes, some falsities have managed to go unnoticed. An outlandishly fake entry about Larry King‘s uncontrollable flatulence was posted for a month.

Oh the joys of Wikipedia…

Ryan

The Snuggie Blanket

Well, barely three weeks into the new year and I already broken one of my (actually only) New Year’s resolution. “What was it?” you ask?  It was to update the blog at least once a week, that’s what.

Whoops.

I’ll trudge on anyway and pretend last week will be an isolated incident.

On to better things….

Last week, as I was babysitting lil’ baby Leo, I was watching cable television (hey, I take this babysitting thing seriously. I order pizza, talk on the phone, have my boyfriend come over, all of the important things that good babysitters do), when a commercial for the Snuggie Blanket came on.

Now, after a bit of internet research, I’ve come to realize this thing has been around for a little while now, so excuse me if this is old hat.  Immediately after seeing it, I was dumbfounded that someone had the dumb idea to simply take a bathrobe (which looks like a rejected costume from “Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope”), turn it around, and market it as a completely new product. But then my perplexity was quickly replaced by awe.  I  realized that the person who “created” the Snuggie was fairly brilliant. I mean, people always say the simplest  way to invent something is to take an already existing item and improve upon it.  This person said “fuck that” and took an already existing item and did nothing to it except suggest people wear it backwards and gave it a new name. Then the person went on to create problems with which most people are supposed to identify, such as blankets which “slip and slide” and when having to reach for something “your hands are trapped inside.”

This thought process was eventually interrupted with I realized I had left lil’ eight-month-old Leo in the bathtub for the last few minutes and figured I should get back to supervising him.

Ryan

Operation: Ear Bleed – Day #3

Some more bullshit I’ve listened to..

Accapella “Set Me Free” – Not bad. Accapella. Good voices.

Acceptance “Black Lines to Battlefields” – This is a good old American suckfest.****

Ace Troubleshooter “It’s Never Enough” – Eh boring *

Ace Troubleshooter “Madness of the Crowds” – Nothing new **

Re: Games I’ve Beaten

These are most of the games I can recognize as beaten. I might have beaten more but I have a habit of getting to the end of a game and never actually beating it (ie Final Fantasy Tactics) Here goes…

• NES
• Super Mario Bros
• Super Mario Bros 3
• Contra
• Kirby’s Adventure
• Final Fantasy
• Faxanadu
• Shadowgate
• Legend of Zelda
• Castlevania
• Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest
• Batman
• Bubble Bobble
• Mega-Man
• Mega-Man 2
• Mega-Man 3
• Mega-Man 4
• Adventure Island
• Adventures of Lolo
• Battle Of Olympus
• Battletoads
• Boy and his Blob
• Crystalis
• Double Dragon
• Mickey Mousecapade
• Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants
• Super NES
• Final Fantasy Mystic Quest
• Disney’s Aladdin
• Mega Man X
• Super Metroid
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time
• Chrono Trigger
• Game Cube
• Luigi’s Mansion
• Resident Evil 4
• Nintendo DS
• Final Fantasy III
• Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
• Sega Genesis
• Streets of Rage
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• Beavis & Butt-head
• Contra: Hard Corps (syke!)
• Mortal Kombat
• Mutant League Football
• Sonic & Knuckles
• Toe Jam & Earl
• Playstation
• Metal Gear Solid
• Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
• Dance Dance Revolution 3^rd Mix (Beat every song on at least Hard difficulty)
• Final Fantasy VII
• Final Fantasy VIII
• Incredible Crisis
• Resident Evil
• Resident Evil 2
• Silent Hill
• Playstation 2
• Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance
• Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance 2
• Castlevania: Lament of Innocence
• Dynasty Warriors 2
• Dynasty Warriors 3
• God of War
• God of War 2
• Katamari Damacy
• Metal Gear Solid 2
• Punisher
• Silent Hill 2
• Silent Hill 4
• Games I’ll Never Beat
• Robocop Vs. Terminator (Sega)
• Contra: Shattered Soldier (PS2)

-Cecil

Games I Have Beaten by Kicknz

I asked people to make a list like this awhile ago and never made one myself.  Scott made one.  Ryan didn’t.  Cecil should.

I have organized this shizzle by game system.  For a game to appear on this list, I must have beaten it on at least the medium difficulty setting without using any cheats or codes.

High-score games: Technically, you can’t beat games like Pac-Man or Joust unless you’re Billy Mitchell and make it to the kill screen.  I would include this sort of game if I’d ever actually earned a high score on one but I haven’t so I won’t!

Endless continues arcade games: I have not included any arcade games that let you continue endlessly from the spot where you died without even using checkpoints (arcade Final Fight, Metal Slug, etc.) as beating these games has much more to do with the size of your quarter stash (or your virtual quarter stash when using an emulator) than any skill.

Fighting games: I would only include a fighting game if I’d beaten it with every character or if it had limited continues (like the old Mortal Kombat games) but I haven’t so I won’t!

Final note: This is not a pissing contest and there are definitely some lame games on this list.  Kirby’s Dream Land requires an hour or so to beat, for example, while GTA or Final Fantasy games, for example, require dozens of hours and a lot more skill/strategy.  Finally, each game gets a grade cuz I’m cool.  No +’s, no -‘s, just straight grades.  A = you should play it  B = if you like the series/genre, check it out  C = not that great  D = I’m surprised I finished the game   These grades are almost useless because I seem to give out A’s left and right.  Oops.

NES
A Super Mario Bros.
A Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels
A Super Mario Bros. 2
A Super Mario Bros. 3
A The Legend of Zelda
A Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
A Metroid
B Kirby’s Adventure
A Kid Icarus
B Chip n Dale’s Rescue Rangers
A Bionic Commando
A Castlevania
B Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest
A Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse
B Adventure Island
A Batman
A Super Dodgeball
A Bubble Bobble
A Ninja Gaiden
A Ninja Gaiden Episode II: Dark Sword of Chaos
B Ninja Gaiden Episode III: Ancient Ship of Doom

Game Boy
B Super Mario Land
B Super Mairo Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
B Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3
A Game Boy Donkey Kong
C Donkey Kong Land
A Metroid II: Return of Samus
B Kirby’s Dream Land
A Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters
A Mole Mania
B Mega Man
A Gargoyle’s Quest
A Bionic Commando
C The Castlevania Adventure
B Castlevania II: Belmont’s Revenge
C Castlevania Legends
B Bonk’s Revenge
B Bonk’s Adventure
B Double Dragon
B Double Dragon II
B Bubble Bobble
B Bubble Bobble Part 2
A Ghostbusters II

Super NES
A Super Mario World
A Super Mario All-Stars
A Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island
A Super Mario Kart
A Super Metroid
A Super Castlevania IV
B Castlevania: Dracula X

Virtual Boy
A Virtual Boy Wario Land

Nintendo 64
A Super Mario 64
C Yoshi’s Story
B Donkey Kong 64
A Diddy Kong Racing
B Mario Kart 64
A Banjo-Kazooie
A The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
A StarFox 64
C Castlevania
A GoldenEye

Game Boy Color
A Super Mario Bros. Deluxe
A Wario Land II
A Wario Land 3
A The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening DX
A The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages
A The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
B Bionic Commando: Elite Forces
B Ghosts n Goblins
B Metal Gear Solid
B Dragon Warrior (as part of Dragon Warrior I & II)

Game Boy Advance
A Super Mario Advance
A Super Mario World: Super Mario Advance 2
A Yoshi’s Island: Super Mario Advance 3
A Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3
A Wario Land 4
C Yoshi Topsy Turvy
A Donkey Kong Country
A Donkey Kong Country 2
A Donkey Kong Country 3
B Mario vs Donkey Kong
B DK King of Swing
A Mario Kart: Super Circuit
A The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past/Four Swords
A The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
A Metroid Fusion
A Metroid: Zero Mission
A Sonic Advance
A Sonic Advance 2
A Sonic Advance 3
A Gunstar Super Heroes
A Astro Boy: Omega Factor
C Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty’s Revenge
A Banjo Pilot
A Sabre Wulf
A Castlevania: Circle of the Moon
A Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance
A Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
B Shaman King
A Final Fantasy I & II: Dawn of Souls
A Final Fantasy IV Advance
A Final Fantasy V Advance
A Final Fantasy VI Advance
B Klonoa: Empire of Dreams
B Metal Slug Advance
B Super Dodgeball Advance
B Bubble Bobble Old & New
A Drill Dozer

GameCube
A Super Mario Sunshine
C Wario World
B Luigi’s Mansion
B Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
A Mario Kart: Double Dash!!
A Metroid Prime
A Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
C StarFox Assault
B Sonic Adventure DX
B Sonic Adventure 2: Battle
C Sonic Heroes
D Shadow the Hedgehog
A Resident Evil 4
C LEGO Star Wars

DS
A New Super Mario Bros.
A Super Mario 64 DS
B Yoshi Touch & Go
A Yoshi’s Island DS
A Mario Kart DS
A The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
A Metroid Prime Hunters
A StarFox Command
A Sonic Rush
A Sonic Rush Adventure
A Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
A Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
A Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
A Final Fantasy III
A Final Fantasy IV
C Super Dodgeball Brawl
C Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword

Wii
A Super Mario Galaxy
B Mario Kart Wii
A Zack & Wiki: The Quest For Barbaro’s Treasure
B Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
A Bully: Scholarship Edition
B Boomblox

SEGA Master System
B Wonder Boy
A Wonder Boy in Monster Land

SEGA Genesis
A Wonder Boy in Monster World
A Monster World IV
A Gunstar Heroes
A Castlevania: Bloodlines

SEGA Dreamcast
A Resident Evil Code: Veronica

TurboGrafx-16
A Dragon’s Curse

TurboGrafx-CD
A Castlevania: Rondo of Blood

PlayStation
A Resident Evil
A Resident Evil 2
A Resident Evil 3: Nemesis
A Metal Gear Solid
A Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
A Castlevania Chronicles
C Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped

PlayStation 2
A Ico
A Shadow of the Colossus
B Ratchet & Clank
B Sly Cooper and the Thievus Racoonus
B Onimusha: Warlords
A God Hand
A Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
A Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
B Castlevania: Lament of Innocence
B Castlevania: Curse of Darkness
A Katamari Damacy
A We <3 Katamari
A Urban Reign
A Star Wars Battlefront
A Grand Theft Auto III
A Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
A Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
B Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories

PSP
C The Con
B Mega Man Powered Up
A Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops
A Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles
D Me and My Katamari
C Star Wars Battlefront: Renegade Squadron

MSX2
A Metal Gear

Xbox
A Peter Jackson’s King Kong
A Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Xbox 360
A Gears of War
A Bionic Commando Rearmed
A Prince of Persia Classic

NeoGeo Pocket Color
B Sonic the Hedgehog Pocket Adventure

Macintosh
A Prince of Persia
A Prince of Persia 2: The Shadow and the Flame

PC
B The Secret of Monkey Island
B Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Sony’s PSP – my thoughts

I bought a PSP sometime during the spring of 2007 (maybe 20 months ag0).  My thoughts on the system over that time have ranged from pretty positive to mildly negative but now have settled firmly on the negative.  Here are the three main reasons why the PSP kinda sucks.

1) CONTROLS/INTERFACE

The evolving PlayStation controller might be the best controller in all of video games.  Sony wisely seems to have realized, unlike Nintendo, that you don’t need to reinvent the wheel with every new generation of games.  The PS2 controller was a minor but solid improvement on the PS One controller and PS3 does the same.  But the PSP just doesn’t make sense.  The biggest mistake is the ommission of one of the analog sticks.  There is an anlog controller on the left but none on the right.  Additionally there are only 2 shoulder buttons instead of 4.  This might not seem like a big deal, but the PSP has effectively become a portable PS2.  The hardware is extremely similar to begin with and there are dozens or games that have been released for both systems.   But with these limitations, PS2 games just don’t control very well on the PSP.  Me and My Katamari plays like absolute garbage without a second stick.  Star Wars Battlefront and the GTA games don’t fare much better.  Additionally, the buttons that are there aren’t that great.  The d-pad is awkward and stiff.

JUST PLAY IT ON PS2

The PSP suffers from a real lack of high quality exclusives.  Surprisingly, this is largely Sony’s own fault.  Many of Sony’s PSP originals, including Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters, Daxter, Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror, Syphon Filter: Logan’s Shadow and probably others have all been subsequently ported to PlayStation 2.  Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Vice City Stories have followed suit.  So what’s the point of even having the PSP when nerds can just wait a year and play the games on PS2, using better controls and at a higher resolution?

HARDWARE

Well, I can’t speak for others and I haven’t heard any rampant rumors about the quality of the hardware but I can say that my PSP more or less failed after a year and a half.  It still works and it’s still quite playable, but a large chunk of the screen has suffered some sort of degradation that affects the picture quality.  I have always kept my PSP in a clamshell carrying case (sold separately, $20) and I’ve never dropped it, so this damage has been through no fault of my own.

POSITIVE NOTES

In hindsight, I would have been better off just buying a used PSP in 2011 and catching up on all the games I missed.  Even with all the PS2 ports, there are still several PSP exclusives that are, according to the fans and critics, well worth playing.  These include: Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, God of War: Chains of Olympus, Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles, Patapon, LocoRoco, and Jeanne d’Arc.