Category Archives: sports

BEST REVIEW EVER

MACHO MAN “BE A MAN” review….NUFF SAID

83 of 86 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars The First Of Many Inspiring Albums, January 12, 2005
By Dark Ninja (Canada) – See all my reviews
There is no way you will ever get closer to the utopia you experience when you listen to this outstanding album. I hope for the sake of every being in the universe that we will see many, many more Macho Man albums in the future. When I first caught a glance of this CD at Walmart, I turned and fell to my knees while time literally stopped. Once I regained consciousness I quickly filled a crate with the album and handed the cashier a flying elbow drop! When I placed the CD onto the tray of my stereo system, I knew at once that my life had culminated to that point, my purpose was to witness the sick, wicked, and nasty beats that were about to pulsate through the earth itself and energize my very life force. When the tray recalled itself back into the stereo console, it was as though the final puzzle piece of human existence had been put into place. Rainbows began to pour inexplicably out of the speakers and onto my terrace. The windows flew open and The Macho Man himself floated in on a winged platinum unicorn. He gave me a $5 gift certificate at Radio Shack and told me that I was the chosen one. He said that He and I would lead mankind out of poverty and strife forever. He said we must hurry, unimaginable evils were gathering and following him and there was not much time before he would have to face them. As we prepared to embark a low rumble could be heard in the distance. Hardly decipherable at first, but it began to grow louder, and apparently closer. The sky darkened rapidly and took on a red-orange tint. The rumble grew exponentially louder and more fierce, and the ground began to shake. Without warning an enormous crack in the planet’s surface appeared and a great mountain of rock and molten lava shot up from the center of the earth with the force of ten trillion mighty buffalo. Satan himself stood before us, in all of his evil majesty. Despite this apocalyptic series of events, Randy was not at all intimidated. He stood fast, and with a mighty cry of ‘OOOOOOHHH YEAHHHHHH!’ he was suddenly 250 feet tall and was made entirely of gold. Satan lunged towards Savage with blinding speed, but The Macho Man was suddenly gone. Satan spun back around just in time for a vicious Macho Man drop kick to the throat. Again, Savage disappeared, leaving Satan dazed and confused. As Satan tried to recover Randy leapt at him from out of nowhere with a punishing sunset flip, sending The Dark Lord directly into a black hole on the other side of the universe. Savage explained to me how his musical talents inspired the Greek God Zeus, and so Zeus gave him super powers and ultrasonic vocal cords. I told him he’s the illest, the true chief warrior. The bottom line is I used to steal cars and buses all the time, but ever since I heard this album I only smash fire hydrants. I no longer sleep or eat or talk, I just absorb the lyrical extremes that this album surpasses time and again and train to fight The Hulkster. Everything that you’ve ever done, are doing now, or will ever do is a complete waste of time unless it directly involves Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage. If you don’t own this album, I sincerely hope that this review has helped you realize what a clueless and wretched piece of waste you really are. And seriously Hogan, be a man for once in your life. If you just take the beating maybe Savage won’t banish you from the universe….OOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! I just crapped on myself.

cecilpaoli

The current state of college sports is fucking retarded

If you’re familiar with collegiate CLUB sports then you’re more or less familiar with what all college sports were like prior to the foundation of the NCAA.  If you’re not familiar, many schools field teams outside of official varsity competition that act as clubs, not athletic department activities.  Many schools have club teams in sports like ice hockey, lacrosse and rugby.  These teams usually compete against teams within the same region and get most of their nationwide kicks at one or two big tournaments.  This means that colleges of various sides play each other and they even compete against non-college clubs.  These teams may or may not have professional coaches but they do take themselves seriously.

Compare this to the NCAA sports, which require extensive travelling, professional coaching staffs that spend as much time recruiting as coaching staffs and big losses.  Yes, very, very few athletic departments actually produce a profit.  Even if your school’s football and basketball teams are popular their revenue probably can’t offset the losses incurred by the track, golf, tennis, soccer, etc. teams.  Schools treat their sports like big PR machines and they rely on dumbass boosters to sponsor the whole thing.

That’s the worst thing about college sports; there are tens or perhaps hundreds of thousands of dumbshits donating hundreds of millions of dollars every year to the athletic departments of this country.  And for what?  The pride that comes with your alma mater winning some fucking games?  Why are you proud?  When Florida football, which I grudgingly semi-support because I love Jesus Christ, all it really says is that UF is the best at recruiting and probably has a big budget.  It’s not like we’re dealing with an even playing field, especially when teams like Florida pack their schedule with cupcakes like The Citadel.  When a school’s football team reflects the coach’s recruiting efforts and NOT the actual school population at large then there’s no real representation at all.  It would be like if the UK recruited a bunch of basketball players from the USA, nationalized them and made them the UK national basketball team.

It’s just awful that all these people are donating big bucks to something as stupid as college sports.  Newsflash: No one deserves $4 million to coach a fucking football team, especially in college!  Donate your money where it might be useful, like the Humane Society!  Boo yah!

Donate to the Humane Society today!   www.hsus.org

Bride of Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt ran in a somewhat uncommon 150m race this weekend in Manchester, part of a full weekend of street races. Naturally, he won in world record time. About 12 years ago, then-Olympic 200m champion Michael Johnson and then-Olympic 100m champion Donovan Bailey faced off in a USA vs Canada 150m race but Johnson pulled up halfway through with a pulled muscle. I was pumped for this race and it made me sad.

Time to bitch about pro sports

SO, the NFL salary cap will raise an astonishing $12 million per team next season to a new total of $128. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. To put this in perspective, the average salaries of any two NFL teams exceeds the total salaries of all of the world’s professional rugby leagues AND the Canadian Football League combined.

If each of the NFL teams spend around the $128 million mark, the total salary for the league will be about $4.1 billion. The league’s revenue is about $5 billion which means the players will be eating up about 80% of total revenue. Looking at this strictly as a business model, one might think, “Oh well, it works out. The teams make a profit.” However, in reality, there is one big expense that teams do not cover: stadia. Instead, they basically blackmail their cities into paying for their stadium even though they COULD FUCKING FINANCE THEM THEMSELVES if they didn’t waste all their money on salaries.

This is not just a problem with the NFL, but also with the other big leagues of North America and the big soccer leagues of Europe. Newsflash: a team does not need a new stadium every 20 years! I admire Seattle for saying, “Fuck you” to the Supersonics when they demanded a new arena.

This sort of thing also makes me respect rugby even more. Perhaps it’s not by choice but rather because rugby is most popular in small countries or in countries where soccer dominates BUT rugby teams have very conservative payrolls by comparison. England’s Guinness Premiership has a per team salary cap of about £4 million, or about $8 million. This means the average salary is around $350,000 when converted to USD but is more like the equivalent of $200,000 within their own economy – not chump change to be sure, but not ridiculously excessive, either.

Earl Weaver contest

Well well well, look who it is: Earl Fucking Weaver.  I submit that Mr. Weaver had the best name that ever existed, at least within the English-speaking world.  In fact, I challenge you to submit a real name that’s any better.  Bring it!

On a separate note, am I the only person that thinks it’s hilarious that baseball managers wear the same uniform as their players?  Is it just in case they decide to put themselves into the game?  I mean, look at that picture!  Weaver’s even wearing cleats, for Christ’s sake.  Imagine if NBA coaches paced about courtside in jerseys, shorts and kneesocks.  Or better yet, hockey coaches decked out in gloves and skates.  In seriousness, I’m guessing that in the 1800s, a lot of the managers did double as players and thus a retarded tradition was born!

CHALLENGERS
Gaylord Perry (submitted by Ryan, Iowa City, Iowa)
Thrul Ravenscroft (submitted by Daniel, Somewhere, Oregon)

The British & Irish Lions: Last Vestige of the Internal Tour

In ye olden days, the big national rugby and teams embarked on long tours to the other side of the world, often spending most of the tour in a single country.  Unlike soccer, the rugby nations were pretty spread out, and the main travel was by ship.  So, naturally, teams didn’t travel around the world to play a couple of matches and then return.  These tours were a big deal, usually lasting for a few months.

These long tours consisted of several matches against a variety of teams from the nation being toured.  These could include regional teams, professional club teams, all-star teams, and always included test matches against the host national team.  There’s never been anything like it in American sports so it may seem like a foreign concept.  It would be like if the Chinese national basketball team came to the US and played some games against NBA teams, maybe an NBA All-Star team, some NCAA teams, and then wrapped it all up with a series against the Dream Team.

The British & Irish Lions are the last vestige of the old tour system.  The team is only assembled every four years, with the best players from England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland.  The Lions very rarely play home matches, almost all of their matches are on tour.  The tour destination rotates between New Zealand, Australia and South Africa.  So the team is formed every four years but will only visit a particular country every 12 years.  Next to the Rugby World Cup, Lions tours are 2nd biggest event in rugby.  This downside is that three Tier One nations – Italy, France, and Argentina – are excluded completely.

Rugby teams normally play one game per week the Lions play twice a week, with the reserves playing in the mid-week game and the first-string guys playing in the important weekend games.  This year’s tour consists of the following opponents: 4 teams from the South African pro league, 1 all-star team representing the Coastal region, an ‘Emerging Springboks’ team (aka young and upcoming SAfrican national team prospects), and 3 games against the Springboks (SAfrica’s national team).

Apartheid Follies

I was reading about the infamous South African Apartheid era the other day.  As is often the case, there was a sports-related issue that reminded me to read about it but the most interesting thing about the whole policy and something I had never heard before was the effect it had on citizenship, which was actually a big part of the justification for the whole thing.

Home Nations

South Africa had been an officially racist nation for a long time even before it started tinkering around with citizenship.  It should be noted that for much of the Apartheid era, SA was not alone in their official racism.  Famously, the southern United States had very similar policies until the 1960s.  Arabs were and still are officially 2nd class citizens within Israel.  India had a sophisticated caste system that doomed or blessed an individual FOR LIFE based on the class they were born into.

South Africa divided the races into White, Coloured, Black, and Indian.  Then they divided the Black population into various nationalities/ethnicities, some of which made sense while others didn’t.  These ethnicities were then stripped of their SA citizenship and assigned citizenship based on their ethnic homelands throughout the country.  Naturally, many of the Blacks had never even stepped foot in these homeland areas and had always lived in major cities.  However, these populations could now be considered foreigners within SA and the poorer educations, healthcare, buslines, etc. could be justified.

Predictably, these independent homelands were a joke and SA didn’t allow them to have any dealings with outside nations or the United Nations.  The homelands were located on undesirable lands with poor farming prospects and few cities.  Perhaps SA had taken some inspiration from our 19th century treatment of Native Americans.  However, unlike the Native Americans, the SAfricans didn’t really want the Black populations to move to the homelands; they wanted them to stay in the cities and be laborers and servants.  The only real motivation to move to one of the homelands was to escape the oppressive whites or to establish a business, as the “foreign” Blacks could not do so outside of their specified homelands.

The treatment of Indians and Coloureds was a bit different (PS – In SA, ‘coloured’ meant mixed race, more or less).  These groups didn’t have the same rights as whites but they had many more options available to them than the Black population.  In case you’re wondering what Indians were doing in SA, many of them moved there to work as prospectors, much like Chinese did in the United States.

On the Chinese note, there was also a small Chinese population in SA that was typically given rights similar to the Indian population.  However, Japanese, Korean, and Taiwanese that happened to be in SA were regarded as ‘honorary whites’ based on their governments’ willingness to acknowledge SA when so many other governments would not.  I have no idea how a cop carrying out racist policies was supposed to determine on appearance alone whether he was dealing with an ‘honorary white’ Taiwanese or a 2nd class Chinese citizen.

The Sports Connection

Most of the world famously refused to participate in sports with South Africa starting in the late 1960s.  Even countries and sports that were willing to compete with SA had an issue on their hands as mixed-race sports were not permitted within the country.  The most famous example of this dilemma came in the form of the New Zealand All Blacks, New Zealand’s national rugby team, which for many years has always been chock full of players of full or partial Maori islander origin.  The fact that rugby and cricket were willing to deal with SA while most sports were not was already deplorable but NZ even conceded and sent an all white team.  BOOO.  On later tours NZ refused to concede and Maoris were given ‘honorary white’ status within the nation.  LOL

The British & Irish Lions rugby team visited apartheid SA a few times.  The players justified their position by naively claiming that sport would supercede politics (although the issue is more moral than political).  Interestingly, the Lions visited SA with a genuine chip on their shoulder and with a strategy that has come to be known as the ’99’ call.  Basically, any time a SA player gave a Lion any shit, the 99 call was made, and each Lion attacked the nearest Springbok (the nickname of the SA rugby team).  The idea was that the ref couldn’t eject the whole team and would end up not ejecting anyone at all.  The call worked, the Lions won the series, and racist SA rugby players were physically punished.  The Lions also made a point of playing matches against clubs comprised of Black players and hosting them for dinners afterwards.  This should have been illegal and I’m not sure how they got away with it.

After Apartheid finally ended in 1991/1992, SA were awarded the rights to host the 1995 Rugby World Cup and the 1996 Africa Cup of Nations soccer tournament.  In storybook fashion, SA won BOTH of these events.  Nelson Mandela donned a Springbok jersey and celebrated with the team, a powerful symbol considering 5 years earlier Blacks could not wear the jersey.  Although these particular events are not especially famous within the United States, they are very, very famous within Africa, the British Commonwealth, and the rugby world.  Unfortunately, these great victories underscored the ongoing ethnic separation in sport within SA, which continues to this day: rugby players are White, soccer players are Black.  Only the national cricket team seems to have integrated, with several Whites, Blacks and Indians on the team.  In recent years, SA hosted the 2003 Cricket World Cup (but did not win), the rugby team won the 2007 Rugby World Cup (hosted by France), and will be hosting the 2010 World Cup (of soccer, which they will not win).

The Springboks: Find the Blacks.

Bafana Bafana: Find the Whites.

The Proteas: Still mostly white . . . but the guy with the beard is a Muzlim!