Today I visited the Magic Kingdom (aka the Park that Bad Animatronics Built) in Walt Disney World with Tony Todd Meier. I will now grade the rides:
Stitch something or other: This used to be called Alien Encounter and was actually serious and kind of scary. They rearranged it and now it’s stupid and boring. D
Buzz Lightyear Spin: A decent ride where you shoot at targets with a lazer gun the whole time. It’s a rip-off of Universal’s Men In Black ride but MIB has better guns and shooting targets. B-
Space Mountain: It’s still a hot ride! Darkness, good roller coaster + outdated space-themed imagery. B
Indy car something or other: God, so lame. Basically a go-kart on rails. It goes maybe 10 mph. MAYBE. F
Winnie the Pooh: Booooooooooooring. Very slow, nothing happens. Basically just still exhibitions with an audio track. D
Peter Pan: A really old ride. Black lights. “Flying”. Very stiff animatronics. Very short. D
It’s A Small World: So boring, so slow, such lame designs. Kind of outdated, culturally. C
Snow White’s Scary Adventures: Um, kinda intense scenery but doesn’t really move. A nice try for the 1820s or whenever it was constructed. C
Haunted Mansion: A genuinely great ride! It’s dark, it’s long. Many of the scenes are as drab and grey as old horror films so it’s fun to “experience” them firsthand. There are also many very strong special effects moments using projections. I can’t explain them cuz I’m dumb but they were quite impressive. A
Big Thunder Mountain: An okay roller coaster with a train theme. Um, eh. ? C+
Splash Mountain: Conflicting thoughts here. It’s really long, which is good. It combines your typical flume ride with an indoor dark ride with exhibitions thing. It’s more interesting than Pooh or Peter Pan but still kinda flat. B for effort.
Pirates of the Caribbean: A better ride than I remembered. Some pretty cool scenes, all of them night-based. A nice “experience a cannon battle” moment. They added several scenes starring Johnny Depp’s character. His animatronic model looks JUST like him and moves very fluidly. I would like that except for the way it shows just how shitty all the other animatronics in the park are. B+
Hall of the Presidents: Cheesy, stupid, patronizing. Idiots in the audience cheered for their favorites, including Richard Nixon?! F
Carousel of Progress: Semi-promising start. The animatronics are from 1964 but are better than most of the rest of the park. The final scene is totally awful. Horrible. D
Philharmagic: Impressive, computer-animated show with 3D effects and other “real” effects (water splashed on audience). Uninteresting thematically but high production values. B+
Small pizza, side of fries, large Coke: over $10. Decent quality, horrible price.
Vegetable noodles, large Coke: $8. Boring food.
I don’t know if it’s because of Europeans and the Euro Barge or what but everyone acts like animals. The park has a ton of kids.
THIS IS A FUCKING PARK FOR KIDS. So boring, so awful, so many kids. Each of the Universal parks are 10x better for an adult and cost $20 less per day. I cannot believe Magic Kingdom is the #1 theme park in the world! Argh!
PS: I love the Universal parks.