Dear Scott, You Miserable Cunt

I’m glad that people took my Top Ten games of all time list at face value. I would have thought that placing Mario Clash anywhere near a Top 10 Games list, or even a Top 10,000 Games list, would have been a clue that it was a joke. Scott suggested I make a list that doesn’t involve Mario or Nintendo. The reason I stopped my Top Ten lists is because no one gave a flying fuck about them to begin with. I didn’t even finish my Nintendo lists, stopping short of GBA and DS.

Fine, here’s a goddamn Top Ten PlayStation games list. I’m not going to put in any fucking pictures. Someone else can do that if they give a shit. As usual, RPGs and sports sims are unwelcome.

NOTE: My experience with PS1 is not as deep as with other systems. Therefore the variety emphasis is not as strong with this list. Does this list really need to have so many fighters? No, but they currently make up like half of my PS1 collection.

#10 SOULBLADE (Namco)

– You could call this game Soulcalibur Zero. There are Virtua Fighter-style ring-outs and everyone uses weapons. There’s even a story (although it’s the same story in all the sequels, basically): all these pricks throughout time congregate to defeat or claim a magical sword. Just like in fairy tales.


– There’s something about this series that’s really annoying and I can’t totally embrace it. That said, this is a pretty decent platformer.

#8 METAL SLUG X (Agetec/SNK)

– No, Certain People, this isn’t arcade perfect. It doesn’t mean it’s not totally tits, though. It’s like Contra but easier (thanks to many continues) and cartoony graphics. It is fun to stab and kill.

#7 DEAD OR ALIVE (Tecmo)

– The game most famous for popularizing bouncing-breast physics. Besides that nonsense, this is a decent start to the series. It’s often compared to Virtua Fighter but I think this game is superior and the grappling elements are boss.


– There are other fighters on PS that are technically superior but I just find this game to be particularly fun. The cast of characters is silly, full of stupid high school stereotypes. The fighting is somewhat similar to Street Fighter but with some unique elements. Blah bah.

#5 TEKKEN 3 (Namco)

– The fighting system in Tekken games is really intuitive and makes a lot of sense. Each limb has a particular button assigned to it so bash away in ways that make sense. There are also interesting bonus features, like a side-scrolling beat-em-up game consisting of 4 levels. You should definitely play this mode if you like to eat chicken off of the ground.


– Sorry, other fighting games, but I just love Street Fighter. Unlike the previous SF ports on PlayStation, this one is actually pretty decent. It’s not perfect but it’s a good approximation in the same way that SFII ports on SNES were. Good cast, great fighting, lots of gay sex.


– Some people might not appreciate this selection. After all, why select this game over the original Resident Evil or Resident Evil 2? After all, RE3 is pretty similar to RE2. They both take place in Raccoon City over the same day (or days). Some locations are even recycled, particularly the Police Department. There’s one minor point that recommends this game over those: the controls are improved. They’re still horrible tank controls but at least you can quickly turn around now instead of taking five years. But what really makes this game great is the title character, the super asshole known as Nemesis. You never know when that son of a bitch is going to pop out and mangle you, keeping you on edge practically all of the time. That prick seriously stressed me out and got my heart racing. It’s cool that a game can do something like that.


– Oh, wow, what a cliche 2nd entry for the list. Some critics think it’s fun to call this game the best game of all time. Errrr, okay. This is the game that turned the Castlevania series into a cross between old Castlevania, Metroid, and your typical RPG. You go all over, get upgrades, level up, buy shit, wear stats-boosting accessories, and so on. It’s one of the greatest 2D games of the post-SNES/Genesis era.


– Wow, what a cliche way to end the list. Problems: too much fucking talking, somewhat linear gameplay in spite of it taking in “real world” type environment. Positives: the various situations you’re confronted with are great. When you develop the patience, it becomes enjoyable to sneak around and then occasionally strangle some asshole to death. The boss fights are hilariously stupid. The story is preposterous. Everything is over the top and there are many somewhat innovative sections – like surviving torture sessions and then hanging out in a jail cell while a guard takes a dump.

Notable PS1 games I haven’t played: Crash Bandicoot 1-2, Spyro the Dragon 1-3, Tomb Raiders (probably will never play them), Gran Turismos, Tony Hawks, NFL Blitz, Silhouette Mirage, Silent Hill, Super Puzzle Fighter II, Mega Mans, In The Hunt, etc etc


5 responses to “Dear Scott, You Miserable Cunt

  1. Scott, I am totally jealous. Matt never writes me love letters like this, anymore.

  2. RIVAL SCHOOLS!!! i forgot about that game for years.

    also… metal slug is the best shit. but i’ve only played some collection on ps2. but..

    crash bandicoot always rubbed me the wrong way. fuck that clit.

  3. Symphony of the Night was named the best side-scroller of all time by

    It’s the best game of the genre. Best soundtrack, best gameplay, largest amount of items and monsters, 2 castles (which amount to practically having 2 games in one) and multiple endings. Best… game… ever… Nice to see it on your list!


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